Caillou Goes to Jail
by Gerald Fogg
Summary: Fed up with his son's behavior, a furious Daddy finally calls the cops on Caillou. Multi-chapter story. For Caillou-haters only. Rated T for language, violence, a brief rape scene, and the biggest tantrum you've ever seen from this bald-headed brat.
1. The Calling of Caillou

"Vrroooommm!" snarled Caillou. "Vrooom!"

Caillou was happily playing up in his room with his blocks and cars. He had already built what had to be the tallest block tower in the whole world; now he was pushing his toy dump truck around and around the tower.

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Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Mommy was fixing a nice, **HEALTHY** lunch of cauliflower, broccoli, and carrots. Except for the sound of a knive slicing into vegetables, it was absolutely quiet in this part of the house.

Daddy broke the silence. "Hey!" he said, "Where's Caillou?"

"Ca-oo! Ca-oo!" yelled little Rosie, banging her training cup on the tray of her high chair. She was just starting to talk, so instead of "Caillou," she said "Ca-oo." And instead of "dump truck," she said...well, something else.

"Good idea!" Daddy began to set the plates and glasses of milk on the table. "I'll call him down here."

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"Vraammmroooommaaahh! _EeEeE-eee-EEEEEEeeeeYAAAAAAUUUUURRGGGHHHHHH!" _he screeched, ramming his truck into the tower, causing it to collapse. He had no idea what his voice sounded like at this point (you guessed it, like damn nails scraping on a motherfrickin' chalkboard) and didn't give a flip.

"Caillou!" called Daddy from downstairs. "Lunchtime!"

But Caillou didn't hear him, and he started to rebuild his tower so he could crash his truck into it again.

Daddy thought Caillou couldn't hear him, so he called louder. "Caillou!"

This time, Caillou actually heard Daddy. But he couldn't come right now. He had to finish his castle.

"In a second, Daddy!" he called back, as he placed a triangular purple block on the first tower of his castle. Caillou was very proud as he admired his work. Two more towers and a drawbridge, and he'd be finished.

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Six minutes passed, and Daddy was beginning to grow very impatient with his son. "Caillou," he shouted, putting more firmness into his voice, "Rosie's already halfway done eating. Get down here now, or your food will get cold."

Still no response.

Daddy was starting to get a little angry, so he walked out of the kitchen and marched right up the stairs, straight towards Caillou's room.

Meanwhile, Caillou was busy working on the second tower of his castle when he looked up and saw the giant foot of Daddy stomp right into his bedroom and knock over his entire castle.

Caillou gasped, close to tears over his hard work being destroyed. "Look what you did!" He sniffled.

"Caillou..." said Daddy through clenched teeth, fuming silently but noticeably, "come downstairs right now."

Caillou finally let a tear escape his eye after a long, hard battle of fighting it. "But I want to plaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!" he whined to his father. (Nails on da 'board again!)

"Shut UP, Caillou!" screamed Daddy, unable to keep his temper under control any longer. "You CAN'T PLAY NOW! YOU have GOT to EATTTTTTT!" He then forcefully grabbed Caillou's leg and literally dragged the kid out of his room.

"NOOOO!" wailed Caillou, protesting.

"Shut it!" replied Daddy.

Caillou's fingernails scraped along the hall floor, leaving long scrape-lines down the entire length of the passageway, as he desperately tried to get away, but his efforts were fruitless. He knew he wouldn't be playing anymore anytime soon.


	2. Caillou's Non-Counting Crossover Guest

_"Noooo!"_

Caillou's shrieks echoed through the house and found their way into the kitchen as Daddy dragged him towards the stair landing.

Rosie heard Caillou and giggled.

"Well, Caillou, aren't we a little bitch today?" said Mommy, loud enough for Caillou to hear. "Isn't that right, Rosie?" she added to Rosie in a loud whisper.

And Rosie giggled all the harder.

Soon, there was a loud rumbling noise and a rhythmic "Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-OWWW!"

"What's that, honey?" Mommy asked Rosie. "Let's go see!"

When they went to check, they saw Daddy pulling Caillou, by his LEG, down the stairs. Every time they went down a step, Caillou hit his head on the stair above it, because he was being dragged. This explained for the noisy rumbling.

"OW-OW-OW!" screamed Caillou. "OW! OWW! OWWW! **OOOWWWW!**" After Daddy was completely on the first floor, Caillou hit his head on the last step. But by this time, Caillou's head and neck area had become so weak from all the blows from the stairs, that after he hit that last step, his perfectly-round head became detached from the rest of his body, blood spewing from both places.

The head bounced down the hallway, emitting a shrill exclaim of "MOMMYYYYY! DADDYYYYY! I have NO BODYYYYYY!"

Everyone but Caillou and Daddy laughed. Even Gilbert was trying to stifle a chuckle. But Daddy wasn't in a laughing mood.

"CAILLOU! WHYYY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!?" He was so angry he was almost in tears.

Caillou's head bounced into the kitchen. Daddy followed, lugging the rest of him. He quickly caught up with him, screwed Caillou's disembodied head back onto his body, and wrapped duct tape around his neck to keep things together and stop the bleeding.

Caillou felt the top of his head and immediately began to whine again. "DADDYYYYY! I have no HAIR!"

Nobody was laughing this time.

"Shut your trap, Caillou!" screamed everybody.

"Birdie!" yelled Rosie, giving Caillou the middle finger.

"Caillou spazzed out when Rosie flipped him the bird," said the grandma-narrator out of nowhere.

Everyone looked around.

"Who said that?" said Mommy.

"All right, everyone, dinnertime!" Daddy said cheerfully as he forcefully threw Caillou into his chair.

"I thought it was lunchtime!" said Caillou.

"Caillou, we had lunchtime two hours ago!" said Mommy, trying to sound happy, but she was a little angry. "Now it's suppertime, and we're having lasagna!"

"YAY!" shouted Caillou.

Daddy began to make the plates, relieved that this bad day was probably finally over.

But alas, it was not. Unfortunately for him, Odie the puppy, who had a bad habit of playing in other people's cartoons, leaped through the kitchen window, pushing Caillou out of his chair onto the floor.

Daddy overreacted a little. "HOLY CRAP, HE'S MAKING TRACKS ALL OVER MY GODDAMN KITCHEN!" he shouted.

"Sorry, Odie, this isn't Muncie, Indiana!" Mommy laughed. She was the only one who recognized this dog.

Odie sighed.

Caillou gasped. "Mommyyyy!" he squealed happily, "It's a puppy! Can he play with us? Please! Please! PLEASE!?"

"Okay," said Mommy, smiling. But Daddy wasn't smiling. He was very angry at his son.

Odie barked and panted, wagging his tail.

"What are you doing here, puppy?" asked Caillou.

The yellow dog began to explain (in barks) that he was sent here by Garfield to get lasagna for him because he was too sleepy.

"What's he saying, Mommy?"

"I don't know, I don't speak dog," Mommy replied, amused.

"Can he stay for supper, Mommy?" begged Caillou.

Odie heard the word "supper" and a sonar beeped in his head. In the time it took Caillou to get up, the black-spotted puppy hopped into Caillou's chair, spotted Caillou's plate, _JUMPED ONTO THE TABLE_, and ate almost worse than his comic's main character, causing sauce to splatter all over the walls.

"OH, SHIT!" screamed Daddy. "THAT STUPID DOG IS MAKING A HUGE DAMN MESS!"

Odie swallowed without chewing, licked all the sauce and stuff off the plate, belched, and pointed at the pan.

"Want MORE?" asked Mommy, giggling.

Odie barked for her to put the lasagna in a plastic food container.

"Here's your lasagna to-go, honey!" As he left the room, since he didn't wipe his mouth, Odie gave the family a complimentary trail of drool throughout the first floor as a farewell present.

"Ew," winced Mommy. "Why couldn't he wipe his mouth, or at least thank us for the meal?"

Daddy slapped Mommy silly upside the head. "You stupid idiot! Cats don't talk! They think everything!"

"That was a dog, you moron," said Mommy.

"OH GODDANG IT!" cried Daddy.


End file.
